Staying Married…Staying in Love
“Staying married is not about staying in love. It’s about covenant-keeping.”*
-John Piper
After 17 years of holy matrimony, I agree with John Piper here–that staying married is not essentially about staying in love—it’s about keeping a covenant.
Please don't hear what I'm not saying.
I do indeed very much love my husband.
And after all these years of marriage, I think I actually love him more than I ever have.
But, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that love is about how you might feel on any given day. And I would assure you dear reader, it’s not. To be sure, love is not less than a feeling, but with the Apostle Paul, I agree that it’s more so action. And like C.S. Lewis, I see that loving someone is generally a matter of the will.** Many times, (with the help of the Spirit) we must will ourselves into doing things we know are right and good. Loving others is sometimes one of those things.
So what about feelings, then?
What happens when you wake up one morning and you don't necessarily feel love? The world will tell you it's time to throw in the towel. But Christ tells us something very different.
“And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
-Matthew 19:1-12 (ESV)
Since marriage was designed by God, He lays the foundation for what it’s about and how it should work. Marriage is hard and holy work–and points ultimately to the union of Christ with His bride–the Church. We don’t want to muck it up by making it all about our fickle feelings and thus, shipwreck this beautiful institution that God designed for His glory and for our joy. And so, because of this, I think it’s important especially for new brides to remember something.
To the newly married woman…please remember this: that handsome fella you married who does everything “right” today, most assuredly won’t to do everything “right” tomorrow. The key is to remember what marriage is all about. Feelings are wonderful, but they won’t keep you married for the long haul. Your union must hang on something much greater than your feelings, especially when things get comfortable or difficult.
”Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)
This is arguably one of the most well-known passages about love in the Holy Scriptures, and yet its profundity can’t be underestimated. Regarding the definition of love—you have it all right here. What is love supposed to look like? I don’t see anything in the text of 1 Corinthians 13 that says, “love is feeling” or “love is when you’re happy” or “love is when you feel butterflies in your stomach.” On the contrary, I see a call to action that equates to love.
Patience. Kindness. Contentment. Humility. Selflessness. Forgiveness. Truth-loving. Long-suffering. Positivity. Hope. Endurance.
These are all action words. And friends, this is what the embodiment of love looks like.
A lot of this list reminds me of the fruits of the Spirit laid out in Galatians 5:22-24:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
When we have the Spirit dwelling within us, He gives us the desire to act in this way. It’s supernatural. Naturally, these qualities don’t exist in sinful flesh—we know this, especially when we consider our pre-Christ days. As Christians, anything good in us now is a fruit of the Spirit Who dwells within us.
So dear friends…do I love my husband after all of these years? Yes—of course I do. But there are days where love is not always easy, and one must remember that the covenant of marriage hinges on the grace of God and Spirit-led action—not on our feelings. Since marriage is God’s design, He gets to tell us what it should look like, how it should function, and what it’s for.
Primarily, marriage is a picture of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and His Bride–the Church. We get to display that love, albeit imperfectly, in the here-and-now through our own unique unions.
So—even if you wake up feeling rather dull about the great miracle of marriage before you, you can rest assured that your feelings are not what keep you married. Your covenant before God stands and He will help you to carry it out to the end–no matter how you feel on any given day. Marriage is God’s, and you are His, and He will use your unique union to glorify His name, sanctify you, and bring you joy.
*https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/stripped-in-shame-clothed-in-grace
**https://www.cslewisinstitute.org/resources/c-s-lewis-on-love/
